Jonesing...

Seriously, I am suffering from withdrawals! I am having dreams about flirting with strangers! How messed up is that?! Last night I was dreaming and in the dream I kept walking past guys or making eye contact with them and I'd smile and I would light up every time they smiled back. What is it about that return smile that is so powerful? It is like a drug to me. Anytime I am having a bad day or feeling bad about myself, seeing a cute guy and getting a little smile, it's like the clouds part and the sun comes out for an instant. It doesn't even have to go anywhere, just seeing that little smile gives me some kind of validation of my worth or something.

Other than that, it is going well so far. I was pretty depressed earlier in the week, but as always Batman was there for me. Hopefully the withdrawals will pass soon and I can get on with the whole "self improvement" part of it.

Theme Song?

So the first song I heard on the radio in the car this morning was "Tattoo" by Jordin Sparks.

Tattoo

No matter what you say about love

I keep coming back for more

Keep my hand in the fire, sooner or later

I get what I'm asking for

No matter what you say about life

I learn every time I bleed

Truth is a stranger, soul is in danger

I gotta let my spirit be free

To admit that I'm wrong and then change my mind

Sorry I gotta move on and leave you behind

I can't waste time so give it a moment

I realize, nothing's broken

No need to worry about everything I've done

Lived every second like it was my last one...

Seemed fitting, so day one went okay. Work was slow so I had a lot of time to be alone with my thoughts. I fought off the urge to text DartGuy. I keep telling myself that if he wanted to talk to me anyway, he would have called or texted me by now. I feel a sense of loss, big changes are scary for me. But I am committed to seeing this through and seeing what, if anything, I can learn from it.

Cast of Characters

Here is a brief cast of characters who do/have featured in my life, with aliases of course:

Batman: My current best friend who lives out of state for whom I have very strong feelings, he shares these feelings to some extent but has his own reservations about a relationship, including the 2000 miles between us.

ExHubby: My ex-husband to whom I was married for 3 years. We were together for 5 total and divorced in August 2009.

DartGuy: My most recent boyfriend (for lack of a better term) We had been seeing each other for about a month but my doubts and lack of trust in him are some of the reasons for this challenge. I have not actually told him I am not going to be seeing him anymore...

SurferGuy: Guy I dated back in March 2010 who blew me off then but now occasionally texts/IMs me when he is drunk or feeling down and asks me to have a kid with him.

Why?

So why? What brought me to this point? What is the need to take such drastic measures?

Basically I am a person with my heart on my sleeve, I go into a relationship with everything I've got and most of the time people don't want/need that. I meet someone and I like them, then I push too hard, I go too fast, and every time I naively believe this one can work, this one is different. But that one is the same as the last one, and it won't work.

In the endless process of all this, my dogged pursuit for love I have lost myself. Each failed encounter leaves me questioning or altering some little part of myself until now I can barely tell what is really me and what is not.

Trying Something New

A friend of mine recently made me realize that I have not been without a man (whether dating, married, trying to find a man, interested in someone, etc) since I was 13 years old. That is 15 years straight in the pursuit of love and what do I have to show for it? A failed marriage, doomed relationships, heartache, and an overwhelming sense of not being good enough for anyone.

I realized that I have allowed myself to become defined by the men in my life and I am challenging myself to try something different. No, I'm not switching teams, but I am going to stay single for the next 6 months. No dating, no flirting, no sex, no making out, no cruising for guys, and no looking for love. This may not seem like a huge commitment or giant leap to some but for me it is monumental, maybe life changing. This is something that I have never done, never even been close to doing in my entire adult life.

The biggest thing is that I really don't want to do it. There is not a single part of me that wants to do this, but I feel like it is important to do it. I feel like if I don't make a change and do something different I am going to be stuck in this same old pattern of bad dates, short one-sided relationships, and being used and tossed aside forever.

I used to say that love is something you had to "search for like a prized possession lost" and I still think that is true, but the only love I need right now is for myself. So for anyone interested enough or bored enough to care, this blog is going to be about my struggles, thoughts, setbacks (there will probably be some), and insights as I try to make it til December trying something new: going cold turkey on guys! Any encouraging comments are appreciated!